I'm afraid Little Miss won't need me. No matter how many summers have ended and first days of school have begun, it never gets easier. Little Miss will be in second grade and I gave birth to her 5 minutes ago. I'm so blessed to have her attend the school I teach at, but this year is different. I won't see her at lunch, or recess. I won't even be able to sneak in on her when I walk down the hall. She's on the completely different side of the school. I know somehow this is a good thing and she'll be independent, blah, blah, blah, but it's going way too fast and I can't take it. She will be with a magnificent teacher, but my heart can't help but worry. As she grows, so does my fear. I'm afraid that she'll be teased or feel like an outsider. I'm afraid she'll be influenced to do the wrong thing. I'm afraid she'll keep secrets or worry about her weight. People, am I insane? Please tell me I'm not alone.
I'm afraid that Baby Miss will forget her momma. This school year The Hubster will be staying home with Baby Miss and I can't grasp saying 'goodbye' to them each morning. I know in my heart that God will walk with us through this new season. I know that The Hubster will take great care of Baby Miss and she will grow and learn, and they will play. But apart of me wonders if she'll forget me. Is that normal? To fear that when she's with Daddy all day, Mommy becomes unnecessary? I'm afraid that I'll walk through the front door with enthusiasm awaiting a hug and she'll walk the other way.
I'm afraid that I'll become a monster teacher. I'm a firm believer in teaching with the heart. Once my students feel respected and loved, they are more receptive to what I have to say. I'm afraid that I'll forget that. I fear that the agendas, standards, emails, and meetings will create this teacher that dreads walking through the door. I don't ever want to forget that meeting the needs of my students comes first.
I'm afraid that I'll burn out. This time of year gets pretty busy for us. Between school, after school activities, weekend soccer games, church, etc., life can get hectic. Stress builds up and patience disappears. I don't want to lash out on my people. I don't want to over extend myself and do everything, but nothing well.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and
timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
I just love this verse. It reminds me that I wasn't created to be afraid, but so much more. I receive power through Him and the constant reminders of my faith. I am able to love because He first loved me and I pray my heart shines through all that I do. I can have a spirit of self-discipline that aligns every aspect of my life with what Jesus calls me to do. My fears are based on lack of control, but good thing I don't have it.
I was talking to a good friend about life stuff the other day. I came to the conclusion that there's a constant drive to have it all together, to be the best wife, an awesome mom, successful at work, organized at home, etc. There are books that can help in all of these areas. There are even wise professionals with advice. However, I don't believe my life will look at all what I want it to until I give it all to Him. When I relinquish control, the fears will diminish.
Though tomorrow begins a new season, I want to start it with a head held high and a confident heart. I won't carry a confident heart because I have it all together but because I believe in a God that does.
Fearlessly,
Jeanell
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